It's over!

Well 40days have gone by. Many changes have already taken place, and many are yet to come. Our church is still in a changing mode, and there are people going, and I'm sure over time there will people coming. It's sad to see some leave as our only times together where "church" related activities. I have a good feeling that the next 6 months will be that of continued change and of growth. The new path we are on will be one that will force me to grow spiritually in ways that I would have let just pass me by had I continued the way I was going. 40days......amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye that 40days can be.

Day 37...

So... I'm off by 1 day I believe... so it may actually be day 38... :o) So.. I've had the best of times and the worst of times the past few weeks. So happy awesome moments. Some discouraging and down moments. I've decided... to keep quiet for a while, and sit back.. take it all in... Stephan and I will remain w/what our church will become.. and hope to grow and help move it along. This will me we'll travel on this new journey with out some folks, such is life I suppose. I wish my loves well, and hope we'll remain in touch somehow and in someway. Not everyone is cut out for this new journey, I'm not so sure I am, but I know God will carry me through with the encouragement, of those around me. Tomorrow is the 4th of July.. it will be spent with immediate family... then Sunday is the official Day 40... So.. this has seemed short.. I've had days of much impact.. and days that where just like any other minus my wasted time distracted on Facebook or Myspace. Sunday I'll have my passwords back.. and I'll return to having access to those social networks sites. I plan to keep my time on them short, and work on focusing on my study of the word of God. Stephan and I haven't been the best at doing so together. We'd end up watching TV, or playing on the computer, or video games. So our plan for this next week, is to read 1st and 2nd Timothy, and Titus.... then to in the evenings or when we are together to talk about it... I'm excited and will need to be more determined to be in the "word" on my own, so I may be more in tune... I'll post my final entry on Sunday night... as I end my 40 day journey.... though I'll be embarking on a new journey after then...

Day 36

..............Trying not to let doubts crowd my mind......... trying to be positive.... reflecting on our personal past. 5 years ago Stephan and I left the church we are currently part of. I can't say we where angry, mad, put out, offended.. I was tired of a 30min commute to church, I had a 1 year old.... and had just found out there would be a 2nd baby.. when we made a final decision to leave... we went to the church Steph's aunt and uncle attended, and became close w/ his cousin and her soon to be spouse, and Steph helped out w/the youth group. We had a less than 5 min drive.. all was peachy keen I guess. I would then soon be a police officers wife, I didn't exactly feel like I was part of a family, yes family was there, but just not like family. We went about visiting where we are now again... and when we walked in the doors it was like coming home after being away on a long trip..... We where home, and our family was there with open arms to welcome us back!! Now some of that family is "moving" away... there will still be some contact... but in my heart I know there will be a gradual decrease in that, as they settle into their new home with a new family.... This makes me sad.... I can not follow, as we are not ready to leave the family we left once before....

Day 35

So here goes. Last night a friend of mine mentioned she listened to Micheal Jackson's Man in the Mirror and the song struck her. So I'm having a listen tonight, though I remember the song from childhood, it is so TRUE!!! WOW. Anywho, have a listen for your self. I was also reading from a book Stephan picked up during the Graham Cooke conference we attended a few weeks ago. The books title is "Living in the dependency and WONDER The Journey of Discovering the Depths of God's Love for You" Very good book, and though it should be a quick read I've decided to take it slow and process all that the book has to say. I think my biggest struggle with the transision our church is in are the people who are leaving, and potentially the reasons they are leaving knowing that I don't really know the whole stories of all who have chosen to not go on this journey. The thought that though things seem unchanged now that we may loose touch, and not be able to be as close as we would be had they stayed. So part of what I read will help me to break the code of how I'm to handle the relationships with those who are left, and explains what might be the problem with those who are moving along. This is what I read. For us to be the Bride of Christ she requires the environment of deepest love, true committed friendships, and a community where love, grace, mercy, kindness, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness are all actively sought and encouraged as a way of life. Pretty good huh?? get the book! :o) However I then read this, which could be some of the grand problem. Here goes.... When our hearts are bitter, hard, callous, unfeeling, cynical, judgemental, angry, suspicious, closed, wary, distrustful, jealous, skeptical, derisive, contemtous, pessimistic, unbelieving, sarcastic, or scornful we hurt ourselves.... uh... that's that. I'll leave it at that.

Day 34.

Hmmm... Is this really almost over. Some tears yesterday, and a lovely hubby to help me see things clearer. One day I'll not let certain things bother me so much. Today I'm beginning to get better clearity on where we are going w/"church" and hope that those who go in the other direction will continue to remain friends that where previously a friend. Tonight we discussed a few things and one was about what we see church as and what the bible had to say about it. And the conclusion was that we as christians need to love each other and show the world that love we have for one another, or we are all just a clanging gong.... Thanks for that Angel! :o) I've had my fill of blogging and better get on to bed....

Days 31-33....

Who is my Mordecai??? Friends of mine discussed they attended a church service and that was the question. Who is that one person when all is just fine can walk in the room, and poof.... things just seem to turn grey. I have a problem.... and learning to deal has proven more difficult than I ever imagined. This 40days is drawing to an end, I've learned I'm scared and though the scaring person has since gone on to be with the Lord, her actions haunt me through another, and I let it bother me more than I should!! My walk w/ Christ, far far far.... from being perfect, and I feel unworthy to be on the path my church is on, but will however follow in submission to my husband. I had a beautiful weekend camping with the family and good friends. I have unanswered questions, and doubts about myself, about my belief, is it strong enough? Am I humble enough? Can I do this? I'd sure love to run away from so many things and never look back. How can such a nice time be so overshadowed..

Days 29-30

Thursday and Friday. Wooohooo the weekend is here. Had a "planning" meeting, as to where the "church" will go in the future tonight. Thursday was just another day. Today, interesting, heartstrings pulling. Dear friends of ours will no longer be a part of the church family we belong to, however we will continue with our friendship for what I hope will be many years to come despite the differences. The meeting went well. What I want to see in "church" Sunday and Wednesday every week in and week out.... same ol same ol..... that is not what I want. Christians are not going to win people into the Kingdom of heaven going into their little or big church buildings every week focusing on themselves. And the run after people and pointing out all their faults (sins) and telling them they'll go to hell if they don't repent and ask Jesus into their hearts. I'm sorry that's just not working!!! In small quantities maybe, but I'm ready to step out of my little box and take my blinders off, and to truly be "Christ like" I'll need the back up of my "church family" and to go in holding hands with someone for support and encouragement, but I'm ready to see some real stuff here. Church is not about how good the worship was, how good the message was, how nice you are dresses, or how high of a position you hold. We are servants of the Most High God and we should be at the bottom serving as Jesus did....... I want to do that so bad!!! I want to set a great example for my children and teach them the way of the Lord and when they grow up they'll never depart from it!!! Well I'll end this now since the thunder is rolling and I have at least 100 things to do!~