Day 34.

Hmmm... Is this really almost over. Some tears yesterday, and a lovely hubby to help me see things clearer. One day I'll not let certain things bother me so much. Today I'm beginning to get better clearity on where we are going w/"church" and hope that those who go in the other direction will continue to remain friends that where previously a friend. Tonight we discussed a few things and one was about what we see church as and what the bible had to say about it. And the conclusion was that we as christians need to love each other and show the world that love we have for one another, or we are all just a clanging gong.... Thanks for that Angel! :o) I've had my fill of blogging and better get on to bed....

Days 31-33....

Who is my Mordecai??? Friends of mine discussed they attended a church service and that was the question. Who is that one person when all is just fine can walk in the room, and poof.... things just seem to turn grey. I have a problem.... and learning to deal has proven more difficult than I ever imagined. This 40days is drawing to an end, I've learned I'm scared and though the scaring person has since gone on to be with the Lord, her actions haunt me through another, and I let it bother me more than I should!! My walk w/ Christ, far far far.... from being perfect, and I feel unworthy to be on the path my church is on, but will however follow in submission to my husband. I had a beautiful weekend camping with the family and good friends. I have unanswered questions, and doubts about myself, about my belief, is it strong enough? Am I humble enough? Can I do this? I'd sure love to run away from so many things and never look back. How can such a nice time be so overshadowed..

Days 29-30

Thursday and Friday. Wooohooo the weekend is here. Had a "planning" meeting, as to where the "church" will go in the future tonight. Thursday was just another day. Today, interesting, heartstrings pulling. Dear friends of ours will no longer be a part of the church family we belong to, however we will continue with our friendship for what I hope will be many years to come despite the differences. The meeting went well. What I want to see in "church" Sunday and Wednesday every week in and week out.... same ol same ol..... that is not what I want. Christians are not going to win people into the Kingdom of heaven going into their little or big church buildings every week focusing on themselves. And the run after people and pointing out all their faults (sins) and telling them they'll go to hell if they don't repent and ask Jesus into their hearts. I'm sorry that's just not working!!! In small quantities maybe, but I'm ready to step out of my little box and take my blinders off, and to truly be "Christ like" I'll need the back up of my "church family" and to go in holding hands with someone for support and encouragement, but I'm ready to see some real stuff here. Church is not about how good the worship was, how good the message was, how nice you are dresses, or how high of a position you hold. We are servants of the Most High God and we should be at the bottom serving as Jesus did....... I want to do that so bad!!! I want to set a great example for my children and teach them the way of the Lord and when they grow up they'll never depart from it!!! Well I'll end this now since the thunder is rolling and I have at least 100 things to do!~

Days 26,27,28

Looks like I'm in a cluster of 3's these past 2 posts. Monday (d-26) was spent just having fun just the 5 of us, to the zoo we went, then home to enjoy the backyard. Then my honey returned to work. I'm preparing for a camping trip so I did a little research, bible reading and prayer. Tuesday (d-27) Dove into house work, loads and loads of laundry. The kids lounged out. That evening I had diner w/ some of the ladies from Tues night bible study. Tristen had some tummy thing going on and was fussy due to teething, and Chloe hiked a fever. Every one settled in, and more bible reading occurred. Then my wandering mind went to my swim apparel, UGH! Is this a spiritual journey subject?? Well I think it can be. So it too meshes into my Wednesday (d-28) I remained home from prayer to let Chloe and Tristen mend, they both are feeling much better and to God I'm grateful for a speedy recovery, and for little lost sleep. So the girls and I just lounged about, I did more laundry! So onto my swimwear..... a bikini is NOT an option! LOL! I have this tankini I bought about 2 years ago, the top is a halter, and the bottom kinda like a bikini bottom w/a little skirt on it. The skirt I'd love to have hit my knees and the top the kids pull on! So I found a tank/cami like top that covers much better so I bought it. My dilema the bottom! Let's face it I've had 3 kids, I'm not HUGE however there are parts of my body I don't care to share with part of the world. I've searched and searched for something. I saw a woman last summer at Sesame Place thought her swim suit was adorable! And should have run up to her to ask where she got it. The skirt hit her knees, but you could tell it had a set of swim bottoms/swim shorts under. and her top was a tank that covered well. I like to concept of the wholesomewear
However really how goofy does that look!! I'm 27 come on can I at least look cute?? So I continue, and the suits just get uglier and uglier. Then alas I find a swim skirt that will hit my knees.... and then the price tag!!! OUCH! The thing is modesty is not cheap! I have managed to find a swim skirt at the price of $24 at a length I would LOVE!! So we'll see if Stephan goes for me spending some more cash. Though I've not bought clothing on the family budget we both usually use our b-day money on new clothing. Anywho.. Swimwear is my least favorite to shop for.

Days 23,24,and 25.

So... I've slacked off... That's ok though I've been busy. Friday our friend did well w/surgery and is going home tomorrow! God is awesome and answers prayers! Saturday, was a lazy day! Then a surprise diner trip to Kabuto! Yum! Sunday the girls and I went to church, stopped by to give my Dad his father's day card. Then is was home to prepare for our young adults group to arrive. This weekend was busy, and great over all. Molly overcame a 103 fever w/ no real explanation other than God answers prayers b/c she recovered and fast! I have discovered over the past few months that some of my family members that don't believe the same as I do think I hate them! Wow that's harsh and I can't say I've ever used such strong words about a person. Maybe a food or a bug! But I don't hate people, especially relatives I'm supposed to love and care about even when we disagree or don't exactly fit on the same page in life, of beliefs! A song that I came to love a few months ago by an artist Cadia, came to mind for a situation going on right now and the lyrics are below. The name of the song is "I'll stay". I love music! And how it can speak to one's heart!

Ill Stay - Cadia

Cadia Lyrics

"Cadia I'll Stay lyrics"

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You’re movin’ faster than an outbound train
Tryin’ to find a way to outrun pain
And every time you start to come undone
You always start to run
My heart is breaking for you, I admit
It’s hard to watch you fall apart like this
And I can’t begin to know your sorrow
I have not walked far inside your shoes
And I wish you would let me
Love you through this

Cause I’ll stay with you (even in your darkest night)
Wait with you (for a little sign of light)
Cry with you (if the answers never come)
I’ll be the one who
Hopes with you (there will be a better day)
So hold onto (every little piece of faith)
As long as it takes, I’ll stay

And if He sees a sparrow fall or fly
Watches the lilies open to the sky
Then how much more does He love you and I
Sometimes it’s hard to just believe it’s true
But if you can’t, I will stand believing for you

CHORUS

Let me be still and quiet
Let me be Love’s reminder
Let me be the one who’s meant to
Be the arms that Jesus sent you...

CHORUS

Day 22

Heart hurting, I'm praying the 91st Psalm over more than one individual.... tonight #1 is for a good friend, my heart is out there crying for her and there is no way I can truly understand the fear and uncertainty she is going through, her spouse having a delicate surgical procedure tomorrow. I don't have the words to offer encouragement. I've never lifted up more prayers ever, ever, ever in my whole christian walk as I have since Sunday night. God can make all things new, and will take care of all of this and leave this family with one huge testimony. With God all things are possible. Then for every police officer out there putting their lives on the line, including the one I'm married to. For my children, my home, my family, my dearest friends, those who hate or should I say dislike me....

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High. Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD. "He is my refuge, and my fortress, My God in Him I will trust." Surely H shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler And from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with his feathers. And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. A thousand may fall at your right side, and ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you. Only with your eyes shall you look, and see the reward of the wicked. Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge even the Most High, your dwelling place. No evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling. For He shall give His angels charge over you. To keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra. The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. "Because he has set his love upon Me therefore I will deliver him I will set him on high , because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him, and show him my salvation."

Day 21

Sitting here.. with my baby girl, she's content playing with one of her big sister's play laptops. Too cute keeps her little fingers off the keyboard. It was a dreary day today, more reading with Chloe and just a nice day spent with the girls. early naps took place, and Chloe and I soon joined in on the rest. We went for group prayer and enjoyed a meal w/some of our church family. The night was nice, and now I'm at home winding down for a good night's sleep.

Day 20.

Time flies. Guess this is a half way point. I've not made all the changes I thought I would have made by now. Getting to bed at a normal time, however what's normal about my life any how? Not a thing! Today is my 8th wedding anniversary. 9 years ago today I graduated from highschool. So this evening I'm reflecting. Is this where I saw myself?? Nope not for one minute was this what I pictured. I'll give a little insight, My plans where. Well to have a nice home (large that is) to house our 5 kids we desired to have. Thought I would be able to just send my girls off to private school, and I'd work part time while there where little ones still at home. Money would not be an issue. Well God sure popped my little bubble. About 3 years ago I wasn't sure I'd like to have more than the 2 kids we had, for health and sanity reasons. So we where just fine in out big house with full time jobs, and a private school tuition. Then the tug on my heart to think about homeschooling, to possibly be able to stay home with my girls I missed them so much while working full time, then doubt maybe I wouldn't actually be able to handle homeschooling. I put it on the back burner, then buy that fall I was pregnant with Tristen. Um... let us re evaluate things.... maybe my true "goals" where not where God wanted me to be. So, we said goodbye to out big home, moved to a 3 bedroom home on 1 acre, had our 3rd baby girl. In the fall we began homeschooling, now it's summer, and we are pretty much done with kindergarten. In about 2 weeks our books for this fall will arrive, Kindergarten and 1st grade. So here I am 8 years after I was married...... and here's what I've become in my eyes... I'm a 27year old, wife to Steph, mommy of 3 beautiful girls, homeschool teacher, mini farmer's wife LOL.... I'm insecure about what motherhood has done to my body and struggle with the way the woman in the mirror looks, I'm sure who I was 8 years ago. My faith is much stronger than it was 8 years ago, but not where it needs to be. . .

Wow.... I'll stop now and hope to get some sleep.

Day 19

Good day, spent time with the girls. Caught Chloe up a little further on her reading she's doing so well. Then just did some house work, feels as though it's the same as it was before I even started. Did my Esther homework. Visited a friend in the hospital. Headed home for a night of prayers and reading a novel. Nothings profound, that I noticed however God's hand was on my day some how even if I didn't know how.

Day 18

This day started out on such a high note. I didn't feel all that great, physically exhausted from lack of sleep. My spirits where high and I wasn't letting anything keep me from enjoying a nice breakfast with folks I adore! Then just one more session w/Graham Cooke. The one profound thing he said was not to ask God "WHY??" But to ask God "What does this mean and what am I supposed to do about it?" Well I was surely not expecting to have to has the later question so soon. I'm fighting the urge to freak out. I was hit with 2 different issues tonight and truth be told I'm not as worried about the 2nd as I am the 1st. Because the person in scenario #1 has no faith in God. I'm so very overwhelmed, this all will require a bit of prayer, meditation, and diving into the promises in God's word. God has the power to step in and do awesome things through both situations. I just have to wait on God to show me what my part is in them. I hope for a quick answer, but will wait if it takes longer to come.

Day 17

Day 2 of the Graham Cooke conference. Another day of incredible worship sessions, and awesome words from Graham Cooke!! I'm even more inspired and am gaining more understanding as to where I'd like to go w/my Christian walk, and what I'd like out of "church" or where I'd like to see the "church" go. I want to be a light, I don't want to be a judgemental person who preaches to people about what they should be doing. I want people to be drawn to me because of what I've let God be through me. I want to come out of my shell, pray more, praise God more! I want more of God and I want to see him do marvelous things in this area!!! I want to be part of a church that is making a difference, that's not just about a church service, or traditions, but a church that wants to be of service to a hurting world in need. It may be terribly uncomfortable for me, but I so want to go there. I could go on and on, but for those of you following you can kinda get the point I hope.

Days 15 and 16.

Day 15, was simply a day at home cleaning, continuing to tie up loose ends with school. Did my Esther homework, and had a quiet day. We had diner w/ Ryan, Warrie and watched One Night with the King. The movie was good. Off to bed for the night afterwards.

Day 16. Homeschool convention.... decided to switch to BJU w/ the girls vs Abeka, added Bible for this upcoming year!! Then we moved the girls from My mom's house to a friend's house where her daughter watched our girls, so we could attend a conference w/Graham Cooke! Incredible. I'm highly looking forward to where God wants to take the"church". The conference was titled "The Church has left the building" Well our kinda did in prep for where our church will be going when we return in 3 more weeks.

Day 13 and 14 (week 2)

2 weeks in. 4 weeks left. Who's counting. We'll the anticipation of what will become of our "church" Tuesday was ladies bible study, we are on our last week of Esther. Oh I'm not ready for it to be over the Esther Study has just spoke to my heart! I look forward to what we may study next though. Tonight Wednesday, we went to our pastor's house and had a time of prayer, Steph and I took turns with the kids then CL took over towards the end. I have actually never attended a prayer meeting because Tristen is chatty and well the older 2 just can't sit still for all of 10min. We'll need to get them used to them, that was an experience, a room full of folks praying. We shared food after and visited for a bit. We came home, I started on a sewing project and the machine got a mind of it's own for a minute so I'll pick it back up tomorrow! On to check messages, sad news regarding Steph's uncle, Cancer, yuck, caught early and he should be fine, still the diagnosis no matter how small or big still makes one stop, and think oh this is too close for comfort. So I'll be praying for his healing because no one should suffer with cancer ever! I've had a range of emotion these past 2 weeks and tonight an overwhelming urge to just cry, over Steph's uncle, things I'm getting over, my kids growing up, missing my spouse when he works, missing my sister being right there and seeing her often, the amazing people God has placed around me..... So I'll cry, and get it over with. We will attend a homeschool convention this week, and hope to even squeeze in seeing Graham Cooke while he's in town.

Day 12

Today I reflect on the journey the past year has been for me! God blessed us with Tristen, with no medical intervention, like the older girls! I had been reading up on homeschooling, as an avenue vs the private school we where using, because I so desired to stay home with the girls. I had committed to work full time for at least 2 years with Dr Z, and well barely full filled one, because I got pregnant. In my heart I knew it would be best for me to stay home, and home school Chloe and Molly, but it was just easier to drop them off each day and let someone else do the work for me. When I found out I was pregnant with Tristen, Stephan and I knew some things would change drastically but to what extent. We sold out large home, and downsized, literally closed 2 days before Tristen arrived last year on the old house, and then closed on the new one when she was 1 week old. I was knew I wanted to home school but bills loomed and well should I just work. Well I'm very particular about who keeps my babies, and the 2 folks that had potential where not available, so that answered all my questions, I'd work PRN if work wanted me to, and stay home and home school the rest of the time. This year has been one of trial and error, we all made it through alive, and Chloe did awesome! And is still ahead of the Public Schools! These girls are smart, and would just get lost in the hustle and bustle of a class room w/30 other kids, maybe less if they had continued in the private school. So God kinda thrust me into a humble yourself, downsize and be with your kids kind of moment. Isn't that what I had truly wanted, I couldn't have all my cake and eat it too.. so some things had to go, though I miss our "big house" I would trade what I have now for a big house and no time with my kids. So instead of putting them on the bus at 9am and them not coming home until 4pm... I get to spend my entire day with my girls. It's not the easiest on some days, but it's worth it. God had a plan... and he turned mine and Stephan's world upside down..... and turned us around... and sent us in an entirely different direction... This year has not been easy by any means..... I'm grateful for the support of God, My Hubby, My kids, My Parents, and my dearest friends.... Ahh... I love a little reflection....

Day 10 and 11

So I failed to blog yesterday. Steph was off so I enjoyed his company. Saturday we slept in, went out and about to price healthier food options for Chloe our picky eater! And to get some fruit from Kroger as their fruit is much better than that from Walmart. At home Steph weeded the garden and put some more seeds for various items into the ground. I did some laundry. We enjoyed some time as a family sitting around together the 5 of us plus 2 dogs! We thought of watching a movie but our options where not family friendly, so we opted to watch an episode of 18 kids and counting that none of us had seen yet, the kids went off to be and Mom and Dad cleaned! Sunday we where supposed to go to a friend's place for some singing and bible study, with 2 other couples so with us would total 4 couples and 8 kids between us all. We where to arrive at 10am, and there was brunch to follow. Stephan and I slept til 10:15a! through 2 alarms! But made it out late, to come in at the end and have a little discussion on the topic at hand. Then some fellowship and brunch! Yummy stuff! Afterward we checked out a new food market OVER PRICED!! had lunch, and I talked Steph into a trip to babies r us, so I could get lil miss some new onesies w/her bday gift card. Home to take the kids to the near by park for a bike ride, home for diner and early bed times for everyone!! I enjoyed a little reading, and picked up my Esther home work. I so need how to manuals! Praise God for the ladies bible studies written by Beth Moore. They have helped to guide me to understand and love God's word even more, This is my 3rd study, well 3 1/2 I didn't finish up believing God completely, though I plan to go start from the very beginning b/c it is a great study as far as I got with it. My week will be full of some regular activities and some not so regular ones. Main goal to finish up K5 if not this week then early the following week! God has carried us through a crazy year of figuring out homeschooling and I'm still not clear on how I want to handle home school, and am trying to decide if I should delay Miss M on starting K5... maybe I'll wait until January.. or we'll hope right in.. when we start in Aug/Sept...... I'll be in prayer for that. My time away from my computer addictions has lead me to enjoy more activities with the kids than I would have before... and I'm loving it...

Day 9

TGIF! I guess... really it's rained all day long..... good for the garden thanks for that. At least I worked all day and didn't have to be stuck at home, looking out at the blah all day. Good news the sun will come out tomorrow!!!! Bad news since the guys canceled their camping trip this weekend... the Hubby is likely working OT good for debt pay off.. hopes for a day spent with just our five shattered.... so looks like it will be laundry put up duty. the task needs to be done. Though with our schedules, I tend to work on the weekdays he has off, leaving us very limited weekend time to be had, makes life as a cops wife all the more difficult. Any who like anyone cares.... I'll move on... tonight our Friday night small group finished the Bait of Satan series. I'll have to do some recap on the final session b/c I need it!! The hardest to deal with is family offenses.... b/c we have to be exposed to them more often.. and well can't exactly change who they are. So this area I'll be working on. But how does one manage to apologize enough for offenses they have caused by having a genuine care for others and the desire for their salvation and to love Jesus, and that I'd care enough to want to see their face in heaven when the time comes. On with it. This day has been another.. with lessons learned but questions still looming... what to do Sunday?? Where to go?? What do I want out of "Church"?? What does my spouse what out of "church"?? My kids... what do they need??

Day 8

Thursday. Ah to sleep in!! My mom is a doll and kept the older 2 and let me have a sleep in day. Baby girl slept until 11am!! I didn't but was close. Had some time to spend w/my Love this morning he's been working some nutty overtime to finish getting us out of debt.... it's tough! But we are almost there!! God has provided a large quantity of overtime for him and for that I'm grateful. No major revelations today.... lifted a prayer of protection over my family in southern va... as a cluster of nasty storms passed through their area today. Glad they didn't come here. The rain great for our veggie garden. Our girls are healthy and praise God for that! Loving this Esther study... it's helped me in a number of areas! Getting over my Grandma K, and not holding some others actions in comparison b/c I shouldn't expect someone to be something for me when I have enough others to be more than enough. Just letting God be my "hero" and not expecting anyone else to fill such a large responsibility. Well I'll keep it short since these are daily. off for prayer and sleep............

Day 7

It's been one week on this journey, and God has just taken some uncertainty and showed me the way! Shown me the people I should be on this journey with. Today was ordinary I suppose. Then Sunday our young adults group had decided we would share a meal, and have a hopeful repeat of Sunday, and take communion together tonight. The weather was threatening! But some how I encountered none of it on my travels to or from the meeting. The gathering great! God rocks and our God is an AWESOME GOD!!! My evening turned out to be anything but ordinary and I liked it. So I'll go off to bed on a high note praising God for all that he has done and will do during this time of sabbatical.

Day 6

This am I woke at 6:30, for no real reason, the dogs barked a little, but it took me a few to go back to sleep. I believe I was supposed to stay awake, but failed and went back to sleep instead until 9. The day was busy with the kids swim lessons, a trip for ice cream with some of the other kids from the class and their moms, has been nice to meet some really nice home school moms. I'm getting there with stepping out of my box! There was some time for lunch with my mom. Then home to get ready for Tuesday night bible study. It was nice to see everyone since we didn't all gather in the same place on Sunday. A lovely group of women! I continued my reading of Acts yesterday as well. Some prayer time too! I also spent a little more time than I should have trying to bargain shop for some items to take along camping for Tristen on the internet.

Day 5

Monday, it's that day that comes after Sunday, when you have to roll out of bed and hit the ground running and nothing goes exactly like you'd like it to. Today I was determined to not let my joy be taken!! I had a few.. well OK more than I'd like to have had, difficult moments with the kids. What I had planned was not exactly what when on today. About a week and a half ago both kids had a tick bit on their lil head, the area healed well, no bulls eye business, both have this lovely "bump" enlarged lymph node on their lil heads, so it's gotten larger and I figured for piece o' mind we'd have the Dr have a look see, like I though nothing to worry about, but worth knowing and getting a little more education on ticks, tick bites and such. So that visit occurred after we went in the opposite direction from swim lessons to run an errand for my honey, then to my mom's to drop of baby, and off to swim,... then Drs appointment named above... then to Petco to return a failed mussel. To babies r us to see if they had something in stock and their price.. then back to mom's for a late lunch, visit, home... some house work. Then some rest and bible study homework... A restless baby girl... resulting in a game of peek a boo!! fun and giggles.. then the house is quiet with all resting. I read Acts 2! awesome! Acts 2:43-47... Strike a cord.